


After The War

by MTrevelyan



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Destroy Ending, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Paragade Shepard, custom Shepard - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2018-11-02 18:44:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10950501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MTrevelyan/pseuds/MTrevelyan
Summary: The end of the war was all that they wanted, so that they could have the life that they told each other they craved since the night in Shepard’s cabin.Settling down may be tough, and working things out when all you’ve known is the military is a tough business. Alex has Kaidan by his side, he was sure he’d be okay.A stupid, fluffy shenko romance.





	1. Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was accidentally deleted. I'm working on it.

“Don’t argue with me Kaidan” His voice was firm, unwavering. Shepard couldn’t see Kaidan die… not like this. 

“Don’t leave me behind.” He winced at the pain in Kaidan’s voice, and then winced again at the plea.

He took a deep breath. “No matter what happens… Know that I love you.” He wiped the tear that fell to Kaidan’s cheek. “Always.”

The response was no more than a whisper. “I love you too.” Shepard could feel his own heart tearing into shreds, he couldn’t imagine how Kaidan must be feeling. His boyfriend has a habit of blaming everything on himself. “Be careful.”

Shepard stepped back off of the ramp. “Go!” He had a mission, and he had to get it done. Garrus dragged Kaidan up the ramp and onto the Normandy. Shepard was alone now, and by god it hurt him to feel like that.

Kaidan let go of all of the emotion as soon as his head hit the medical bed. He knew that his leg wound would have been critical if he had of stayed, but that didn’t make it easier. Dr Chakwas worked on the gash in his leg, that has even gone so far as to shatter bone. Kaidan’s screams of pain were made louder by the hurricane whirling around inside him. Alexander Shepard had promised him that they’d always be together, that they’d see this through, but it turned out that he wasn’t good enough to make sure that happened. He’d let Alex down, and now he was at risk, he could die, and it was his fault. Dr Chakwas was trying to talk to him but all he could hear was a ringing in his ears, and the lights were so bright in the medical bay that he could barely see her. Her silhouette slipped away as he fell into unconsciousness. Karin continued to work on Kaidan for nearly half an hour, before Kaidan woke up again. When Kaidan did finally wake up, it was because all he could hear was the intercom, making Kaidan grit his teeth. He definitely had a migraine coming.

_ALL FLEETS. THE CRUCIBLE IS ARMED. DISENGAGE…_

Kaidan’s leg wasn’t perfect but it’d have to do. He jumped from the bed, and rushed past Chakwas. He felt the tears from before begin to fall again. He sprinted through the ship like it was the last thing he’d ever do, and when he finally reached the cockpit, Garrus’ hand was on Joker’s shoulder.

“We _have_ to go.”

With that Kaidan’s legs buckled. “No… Joker don’t. We have to go back for him we can’t just **_leave_** him there!” He could feel that he’d reopened his wound, but he didn’t care, it was bandaged anyway. He just needed Shepard. “Joker… Please.”

Joker let his breath out, shaking. “Damn it.” He turned the ship around, getting as far away from Earth as he could, and turned to look into Kaidan’s eyes.

Everyone’s hearts were shattered in that moment. They’d just left their Commander, their friend, behind to die. The ringing in Kaidan’s ears came back, and his arms fell to his sides. He let the sadness, and the pain flow out of him like he was a flame being snuffed out. He felt helpless. He felt Liara and Garrus pick him up, each lifting an arm. He tried to help them by walking but it wasn’t much use, he just wanted to fall down and never get back up again. The jolt in the ship indicated that they’d jumped into a relay. Shepard was now far behind him, and he was probably also dead. Kaidan whimpered at the thought. As they reached the lift, there was a sudden rush of people coming out, sprinting for the CIC. It was just a passing thought, but perhaps the Crucible hadn’t worked after all. Maybe they were all going to die anyway.

“Take me to his cabin.” Kaidan heard himself say it, but he didn’t remember thinking it; and then there he was. Lying flat on Shepard’s bed, his senses taking in everything about Shepard. He was with Liara, Tali, and Dr Chakwas. The three people he loved the most on the ship, except for Alexander. “I can’t feel anything… I can barely breathe… I need him.” Liara’s hand stroked his forehead. She didn’t say anything about it, Kaidan figured that she was hurting too. Chakwas was having to stitch up Kaidan’s wound, which was primitive but at least effective. It also gave her an excuse to tell Kaidan to take it easy. Tali put her hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, and held out one of Shepard’s jackets.

“You’re shivering.” Kaidan let her wrap him in the jacket, which turned out to be a black alliance hooded jumper.

“It smells like him.” He bundled up the covers and the pillows, making a protective shell from the world around him. He was so emotionally exhausted he could feel himself falling asleep, and because he could no longer will himself to do anything, he just let his eyes close, surrounded by the scent of Alexander Shepard.

———

Kaidan was thrown off of the bed when the ship hit the ground. His leg hurt like hell, and his headache was only getting worse, and the most painful thing was that Shepard was still gone. It turned out that

The planet looked safe enough, for now at least; and the crew began to follow his direction to fix the ship, and get the Normandy back in the air. He’d remember this place, as the place where he mourned the most important man in his life. The days that passed weren’t easy for anyone. Joker had lost EDI, but Tali was working around the clock to restore her systems, but it bore no fruit. The ship was a mess, and the engines needed to be fully deconstructed to fix. Kaidan’s temper flared on multiple occasions, resulting in his tearing trees apart with his biotics, and throwing rocks into the air so he could shoot them. By the fifth day, not even Liara would speak to him, except to update him on the state of the vessel. He continued in his duty to get everyone on board the Normandy home, but then everything, including his mood, changed one day after they finally got their communications array online.

_“Normandy, do you read? Normandy, please respond.”_

The signal was patchy at best, but everyone’s spirits raised noticeably once they made contact. Kaidan’s orders were no longer barked out with contempt; Tali and Garrus allowed themselves to hope of a life together again; the crew got to work making sure that the ship was ready for take-off. Kaidan tried, over and over to send word back that they were alive, but only ever managed to send vague signals. There was clearly still a problem with the transmitter. Nonetheless, the signals seem to have gotten through, and three days after hearing the first transmission, they received a second.

“ _Normandy… I have a situation update… Reaper threat eliminated… Anderson dead… Shepard…_ ” The static swallowed the signal, not that Kaidan would have heard any more. He had frozen in place at the mere mention of his lover. His heart was so far up in his throat that he thought he would stop breathing. Liara’s gasp snapped him out of his daze, bringing him back to reality.

Liara’s hand came to rest on Kaidan shoulder again, just like the night in the cabin, except this time, the touch was one of hope, not remorse; Kaidan was leaning into her touch. He was so determined to get home now.“We need to get this ship in the air… I can’t sit still after that transmission.”

The repairs continued for another couple of days, before the Normandy was finally space worthy again. The only parts of the ship that remained inoperable were the weapons and the escape pods; Kaidan figured that so long as they didn’t run into any pirates they’d be fine to try and make it back to Sol… Once they had figured out where they were, getting home would probably be relatively easy. When the time came to get off the planet’s surface, Joker kicked the engines, and Kaidan made the rounds. Dr Chakwas had the med bay looking like the crash had never happened; Tali had the eezo core purring like a kitten, and had begun to restore some of EDI’s systems; Garrus was busy trying to recalibrate the canons ‘just in case’ they ran into any danger; Vega had fixed up the remaining shuttle and cleaned the armoury, clearly eager to see it back to the impeccable state that Cortez always left it in; Liara had all of her remaining resources information gathering, advising that the relays were severely damaged and getting home could take weeks; Javik was putting the final pieces of the CIC back together; and the rest of the crew were at their posts, ready to help them get home. There was just one thing they needed to do first.

———

The crew gathered around the memorial wall. Admiral Anderson’s name was given pride of place in the centre of the wall, which was a fitting tribute to the former captain of the Normandy. None of the team would have ever met each other if it wasn’t for him, and he had treated Shepard like he was a son. Kaidan just wished he could have gotten to get to know the man a lot better, now that the war was over. He was a good man, and nobody on board would forget him - especially the people still there from the SR-1. The turn came to put the final name on the wall. Kaidan held the plaque in his hand, he couldn’t tear his eyes from Shepard’s name. He really didn’t want to put this name on the wall. That would mean that it was over, that Shepard was never coming back and he had to move on with his life. The man he let himself fall in love with, the person he’d opened up the most to, would be on **_that_** wall. He ran his thumb over the name once, and then again, before pulling the plaque to his chest and stepping back from the wall. He promised himself that he’d do it when they got back to Earth.

Once everyone excluding Liara and Tali had gone back to their respective posts, he retreated back to Shepard’s cabin, deciding that he could afford to get comfortable for one night at least. He threw on one of the Commander’s tracksuits, and curled up on the bed just staring at the name that was still in his hand. There was a light tap at the door before it opened to reveal Liara behind it, tears streaming down her face. Kaidan would have thought that she was crying because of everything they’ve lost if it wasn’t for the look of pure exasperation and the smile that was unmissable.

“Kaidan… he made it.” Her voice was almost like a whisper.

“What? Shepard?” His grip tightened, the strain turning his knuckles white. “He’s alive?”

Liara could only not before she pulled Kaidan in a hug, he could feel the warm, damp tears on his neck as she leaned into him. Now he had a reason to get home, and news had never made him feel better.

———

Kaidan was standing behind Joker’s chair on the bridge. Since finding out the news, he’d spent more time checking on the rest of the crew - and he realised that he’d missed something important. Joker hadn’t slept in days, he hadn’t given himself any downtime, and he wasn’t eating his entire portion of rations. Put simply, the pilot was a mess. It was understandable too.

“Joker, you should go and get some sleep. You look awful.” Kaidan knew how to fly the ship, and he was probably a safer pilot than Joker in his present state.

“No.” was the only response he got.

“Joker…”

“I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

“Joker. I swear to god. Go and sleep, or eat, or shower. You’re killing yourself up here.”

“Leave me **_alone_** Kaidan. Just because your boyfriend’s alive doesn’t mean you get to play therapist with the rest of us. We’re getting close to a relay.”

“If you don’t want to leave I won’t make you. Just give me the controls in the co-pilots’ chair for a while, take a break.”

When Joker realised that Kaidan wasn’t going to back down, he glared, and transferred control of the ship to the other chair. “Remember she’s bigger than the SR1. She’s also still being moody about our crash.”

“Thanks.” Kaidan felt good, being in the chair again. It was where he spent most of his time on the SR1, before Shepard anyway. It was a much simpler time back then. He turned his attention back to Joker. “How are you holding up?”

“I told you not to play therapist with me.”

“I’m asking as a friend.”

“I…” Joker’s head dropped. “I’m not doing so good. I miss her.”

“Don’t give up hope. Tali said she was definitely making progress. I believe in her.”

“Yeah… right.” He sighed.

The ship dropped out of FTL at the relay. There were a small fleet of ships putting parts of it back together, but it was active. Kaidan tapped away at the consoles, trying his best to ascertain whether a jump would be successful or not. Unlike the mercenary ships around the relay, the Normandy was quite small. She could jump through before they even realised that the relay was being used.

“Don’t do it Kaidan. You’ll break her.”

“I can do it.” He plugged in the sequence and watched the relay light up.

“ **Don’t** break my ship! We won’t make it!”

“We’ll make it.” He brought the ship along the side of the relay and they connected, the Normandy shot out of the relay. The entire ship shook with the force of the shot.

**“KAIDAN!”**

The ship came to a sudden stop in the next star system, in front of them sat a fleet of ships that he’d never been so happy to see. It was the Alliance. The Normandy had managed it. They were nearly home.  
****

———

Joker eventually relented and got some shuteye, now that the fleet was supporting the Normandy. The ship was basically flying autopilot with the rest of the fleet, heading back to Earth. The week long journey felt like decades to Kaidan. He knew that Shepard was on Earth, and he knew that he was alive. He passed the time trying to busy himself, filing whatever reports were left, and checking up on the crew in an attempt to make the journey more tolerable. In reality it just made everything worse. He always found himself writing the reports at Shepard’s desk, and everyone who he spoke to talked about how excited they were to see Shepard, so it wasn’t exactly a comfort, or a distraction. It wasn’t long after he submitted his reports that Hackett asked to speak with him. Getting through the Alliance Dreadnought was… something of a challenge, but the real challenge was trying to read the Admiral when he was commanded to take a seat.

“What I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room.” Hackett was frowning at a datapad, when he turned to face Kaidan. “Commander Shepard **_is_** alive, but he’s in terribly bad shape.” It was clear that Hackett regretted that he had to leave Shepard behind, the man had noticeably sad eyes for the first time since Kaidan had met him years ago. “He may not survive long enough for us to return to the home system… it’ll take us nearly three weeks.” Kaidan’s throat had ran dry. “The only reason I’m telling you this, is because of who you are to him. Shepard would never forgive me if I kept you in the dark.

Kaidan couldn’t keep his head up any longer, but was grateful for knowing all of the fact “Thank-you sir… For telling me.”

“Alenko, you know how strong Shepard is. You’ve seen first hand what he’s capable of. If there’s anyone that can cheat death three times in the space for three years… it’s him.” Hackett was being informal, so Kaidan guessed that he really did care. He didn’t really listen to anything else that Hackett had to say, Kaidan’s brain was working at 1000 miles per hour again. The journey back to Earth somehow just got much, much longer.

 


	2. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so now the deleted stuff should be back, and it should be moderately improved. I'm obviously truly sorry that this has caused so much of a pain, I've had to place every other work on hiatus while I finished getting this ready. Anyway - I've included more Chakwas and added a tiny part for Ash (RIP) so yeah.

Karin Chakwas didn’t like the look of the crumbling hospital one bit. It was practically falling down, and she knew that Shepard was inside somewhere, hooked up to wires and being prodded by medics who had absolutely no idea what they were doing. She had to make sure that he was safe, she had to get there first. Dr Chakwas has spent the best years of her career making sure that the Commander was healthy, and when she couldn’t do that she did her best to make sure that he didn’t die. She chuckled as she was escorted under armed guard to his room, remarking how stupid it was that people seriously thought that the Reapers, and their indoctrination techniques were still a threat when they’d all been dead for weeks. She lost her smirk as soon as she entered Sherpard’s room, though.

She didn’t know _exactly_ when the tears had started falling, but they had nonetheless. Was it when she saw the weak, pale husk of a man on the bed? Was it when she realised that he wasn’t breathing on his own? Was it when she saw how many fractures and breaks the man had in his bones? Was it when she saw his name written up on the board next to the x-rays? _Alexander_ Shepard. She didn’t even notice the suicide risk signs until she also realised that she wasn’t alone. The sound of high heels were unmistakable.

“Must be hard for you. You’re used to seeing him with bullet holes and minor scrapes.” The Australian accent was clear, and Karin knew who exactly was in the room with her.

“Miss Lawson. I can’t believe I’m about to say… how glad I am to see you here.” Karin placed her coat on something that resembled a hook, and began to read through Shepard’s charts.

Miranda placed a hand on Chakwas’ shoulder, “He’ll be fine, it’s a team effort now.”

Karin managed a smile at that, and the pair set to work making sure that the remaining broken bones were ready to be melded, and that his body was healing in the way that it should. For the next few days Dr Chakwas and Miranda laboured over Shepard’s body, Miranda fixing only the most vital Cerberus implants that helped heal him last time, and Chakwas spending time completing intricate surgery removing broken implants, shrapnel, and fixing internal problems. If there was one thing Karin knew for sure, it was that whatever happened on the Crucible, Shepard went through hell.

“Miranda, I’ve been here for days now but I still don’t know why Shepard's a suicide risk? Isn’t he in a medically induced coma?”

“He is, but he wasn’t. He was even able to speak at one point, even if the speech was weak and quiet.” Miranda put down her tools. “I **_told_** them not to tell him about the Normandy crash. I **_told_** them not to tell him that Kaidan Alenko might not be coming back to him. But some self-absorbed Alliance Admiral decided to tell him anyway… as if I needed any more reason to hate the people running it.” Miranda sighed, and crossed her arms like she always did when she was angry. “I found him on the floor with an empty bottle of pills next to him. We’re lucky I got there in time, I wasn’t due to check up on him for hours, and he’d be dead already by that point.”

Chakwas frowned, “He adores that man… I’ve been lucky enough to see it since day one. There’s no way he’d be able to live without Kaidan, not after everything they’ve been through together.” She sighed, “I know you were romantically interested in the Commander for a time, but if you’d have seen the way he looked at Kaidan after their first mission together, you’d understand why you never stood a chance. No harm intended, obviously.”

“I know… I remember what he was like after Horizon.”

“He turned into a man I didn’t like, then. He became a cold, self hating man… But it was because he was heartbroken. I forgave him in the end… as I watched him being led off of his ship in handcuffs.” Dr Chakwas put her equipment down too. “I think we should try the breathers again…”

———

It was now over 2 weeks since the Normandy had arrived back at Earth. Karin was still working on Commander Shepard, who was now breathing by himself and healing well. Miranda and Karin together had perfomed a miracle. They had prevented a body from shutting itself down, and removed most of the technology keeping it going at the same time. Shepard was now more himself than he had been since the Collector attack, and that had to be a positive thing. Miranda had the unpleasant duty of keeping Kaidan Alenko away from the hospital. He had been allowed to briefly visit once, when the Normandy first touched down after reconnecting communications to the bases on Luna and Mars, but Shepard was just too weak, and the process of keeping him alive too complex, to have Alenko hanging over him like he was about to die. Kaidan was distraught and incredibly angry at not being allowed to visit more often. She understood why of course, but she knew that it was for the best. Besides, he wouldn’t be kept away for much longer… Now, it was just a waiting game, to see when Commander Alexander Shepard would wake up. She wouldn’t have to wait long.

“Where am I?” The voice was small, distant, but Karin couldn’t mistake it.

“Commander.” Chakwas wiped the tear in her eye before approaching the bed. “You’re in a field hospital in London. We’ve been treating you for nearly three weeks.”

“You’re dead. This is just a dream. The Normandy crashed.” Alexander Shepard looked like a child now. He was weak, he was pale, and he wanted anything other than to be alive at that moment.

“Yes. The Normandy crashed… but nobody died.” Dr Chakwas checked Shepard’s responsiveness with her torch. “Do you really think Kaidan would let something silly like a ship crash stop him from getting back to you? I thought I knew you better than that, Commander.”

Shepard's brows grew tight and confused, "Tell me something only the real Karin would know."

"I once passed out in the Normandy's med bay because I had too much brandy. I swore I'd repeat that to nobody."

“Karin... but if you're... Kaidan’s alive? Where is he? Does he know about-“

“Does he know about your silly attempt at finding him in the heavens? Of course he does Commander. Kaidan isn’t here, but he will be here soon. I need you to calm down.”

“I couldn’t live without him Doctor… The thought-“

“ ** _Commander_**.”

Shepard stopped fretting, and leaned back into his bed. “Everything hurts.”

“I know Commander, just hang on in there. Your regenerative implants should finish doing their work by the end of the week, and you’ll feel much better.” For now, Karin would just have to up his dose of morphine, and wait for Kaidan to arrive. “You should know Shepard, Kaidan felt the same way. He’ll understand. He spent days in your cabin just crying, and none of us could do anything. He re-opened his wound running to the cockpit to try and get Joker to go and get you.”

Shepard smiled for the first time, it was small, and it was fleeting but it was there. “I'd do the same for him. Except I’d probably pick Joker straight up out of that goddamn chair and get everyone killed trying to get him.”

“The Normandy made the right choice.” Chakwas’ back was straight as a nail, as if she were trying to be more assertive, “I would have had to choose who to save. Should I have closed Kaidan’s leg wound with a slashed vein, or should I have spent hours labouring over you? That’s just if the ship didn’t get blown out of-“

Shepard’s hand landed on Karin’s “I know Karin. Thank-you for saving him.”

———

Kaidan stepped into the room and immediately he was an emotional wreck. This time there were no tubes keeping Alex breathing, the x-rays had nearly all disappeared, all of the surgical equipment had gone, and the… risk signs had all been taken down. Shepard himself was rolled onto his side, clearly in a deep sleep. Kaidan could tell by Alex’s face that he was in pain, and his heart ached. He quietly set one of the chairs next to the bed, and brushed a lock of hair out of Shepard's face. The long, dark brown hair that was usually tied back into a bun hid the shorter sides, and covered a lot of Alexander’s face. Even if he looked hurt, Kaidan couldn’t deny that this was the most at peace he’d seen the Commander since the Normandy took off on the mission to Eden Prime. He must have been there for a few hours, just thinking about everything that the two of them had been through together. When his eyes began to feel heavy, rather than get up to grab a coffee or a snack, he let himself lean on Shepard’s

 

_“Is it just me, or does the Commander look at you differently?” Ashley had a raised eyebrow, she was cleaning her gun, but it was clear her attention was elsewhere._

_“What do you mean?” Kaidan’s stomach knotted at the mere mention of the Commander. He really needed to figure out what was happening in his head. “Maybe he has a soft spot for damaged soldiers.”_

_“Shut up Alenko, you know you’re more than that. You’re one of the most capable biotics I know… and he does, he looks at you differently.” Ash put her gun down, patting a seat next to her for Kaidan to sit down. “I used to fancy the pants off of him y’know?”_

_“Ash! He’s our CO.”_

_“So? Doesn’t mean I’d ever act on it or anything… I mean I totally would but that isn’t the point.” She sighed. “Look all I’m saying is I think the Commander has a soft spot for you. He looks at you like an angel just shit out his wildest dreams.”_

_“I’m a dude, Ash.”_

_“So what, you’re about to tell me you’re not into dudes?” She looked smug at Kaidan’s lowered head. “Besides, we all see how you tense up every time he’s around. Just figure out how you feel and tell him Alenko. You’re his best friend that I can see, just tell him.”_

_“How do you know more about what I’m feeling than I do?” Kaidan stood, and began to leave the room. “Right after we’re done on Virmire, I’ll tell him. If me opening my big mouth goes badly…”_

_“It won’t Lt. I’ll see you when we arrive.”_

 

Kaidan woke himself up with a jump. Shepard was still asleep, except he looked more peaceful this time. He realised that Shepard’s fingers were touching his, and he couldn’t get himself to move his hand. Chakwas was silently tapping at a datapad on the other side of the room.

“I gave him some more morphine, he was sweating which usually indicates he’s in pain or withdrawing from the meds.” She handed Kaidan a coffee. “He should be good to go home soon. We need this room as more injured soldiers come in from around the galaxy.” She tapped Kaidan’s shoulder, “It’s good to see him looking well.”

Shepard stirred, and Karin decided that was the time for her to make her exit. Alexander grabbed hold of the nearest thing, that thing being Kaidan’s hand. When he opened his pale blue eyes, he found Kaidan’s staring right back at him. His grip tightened, his other hand reaching out to pull Kaidan in closer. The kiss they shared was like something out of a movie, filled with want, need, and relief. They remained close for a while, enjoying the silence together, before Miranda, Chakwas, and some of the Normandy crew entered the room. Seeing his friends again made Alexander incredibly emotional, but he was thankful that they’d all managed to see him. When he realised that Joker wasn’t present, he guessed he probably deserved that, until Garrus handed Shepard a pad with a letter from Tali and Joker, reporting that the vast majority of what made up EDI’s personality, memories, and body had been recovered. Given time, she would be fine. It ended the day on a high, and considering it was a day Alexander never thought he’d see, it was pretty good going.


	3. Domesticated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alliance debrief Shepard, and the Press provoke a response from the pair. Shepard considers important questions and the boys begin to think about settling down.

True to Chakwas’ word. Shepard was released to recover at home to free up the space for others who had been more seriously injured. He didn’t really know what to say to anyone, all of the friends that he mourned after the Normandy crash miscommunication. He struggled to even look Kaidan in the eye, and it was quite clear that Kaidan had noticed that fact. Kaidan took Shepard back to his officer’s quarters while they waited for power and order to be restored to the Citadel, which was already being hastily repaired. Kaidan’s quarters were large for the military, but particularly cosy for two people. Alexander spent the majority of his time cooking, or doing anything to ignore the news about the Reapers. The weekend after he was released came around quickly… too quickly, but at least he could now walk for short periods of time without crutches or someone to hold onto. It was the day he’d been silently dreading, he had his debrief to look forward to, and the Alliance brass weren’t going to like what he had to say. He made Kaidan promise to go with him to the debrief, and subsequent press conference, mainly because he needed to make sure that Kaidan understood what he had been through on the Crucible. He was never going to be quite the same after that. Hackett arrived personally to take the two of them back to HQ, but the shuttle ride was wordless, like a metaphor for the shit-storm that was about to hit. Hackett was the Admiral in charge of debriefing at least, and Garrus was also there as the other member that followed the assault in London, so Shepard knew he could afford to relax a bit. They entered a room with just a table, and three seats on each side. Kaidan took a seat to Shepard’s right, with Garrus on his right too. Hackett began the proceedings by explaining that he took no comfort in this debriefing being so official, but due to the wide consequences of the crucible, and Shepard being a Spectre, this proceeding was necessary. Shepard felt winded when he saw all of the Admirals that hated him the most for the Batarian ‘incident’ were all still alive, and even more winded when Hackett explained that the line of questioning was agreed upon by all Admirals. It began with generic questioning about the Illusive Man’s involvement, and the last moments of Admiral Anderson. Kaidan’s hand found its way to rest on Shepard’s leg, a silent reassurance. It was after all of these questions were answered that the questioning turned sour.

“Do you believe that you did everything you could to avoid the destruction of the Citadel and the Mass Relay network?”

“Sir, I neutralised the Reaper threat without taking unnecessary chances that I could not afford to.”

Hackett hesitated, before another, rather incessant Admiral spoke up, “What ‘chances’ are you referring to?”

“I was given the chance to control the Reapers, or I was given the chance to synthesise all life in the Galaxy. Both of these options required a life sacrifice on my part, and forgive me for thinking that I had given the Milky Way enough without killing myself on a chance I could not validate… **_Sir._** ” There was a slight murmuring before Shepard spoke up again, “Unless I am on trial, Admirals I would really like to speed this up. I’m recovering from injuries that should have killed me, and I’m feeling rather tired. Present company not helping an awful lot.”

The interjecting Admiral stood to argue, before Hackett’s voice boomed over the room, “That’s quite enough. We have all of the information that we needed. Needless to say this information is classified and sharing **_any_** of it is a criminal offence. You guys can leave.” 

Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s hand, almost pulling him out of his chair, with Garrus following close behind. Hackett was just ahead of them, moving towards the conference room. Shepard muttered to himself the entire way to there, plenty of expletives being used, the last on which letting slip just before the door. Hackett, yet again, explained the process that they’d be taking and reminded journalists to take ‘classified’ at face value. The conference began with the press asking questions about the Reapers, the Geth, a few even tried the Crucible but Shepard decided that particular area was definitely classified. The question about losing friends like Mordin seemed to change the way Shepard was thinking, so Kaidan gripped the hand in his slightly tighter. After that question, one journalist finally had the balls to ask the question that Shepard seemed to be waiting for; “Are you and Major Alenko a couple?”

They both answered the question at the same time, “Yes we are.” 

A commotion in the room began then, with all of the journalists let loose on this new information. Hackett had to shout to get them to be quiet, whilst Shepard had pressured into retelling the story behind it, “I… I always looked at him as more than a friend. We became… invested after the events on Virmire, but because of the crash of the SR1, we never actually made it to being officially a couple, mainly because I never had the stones to ask him out.” Kaidan could feel the blush on his cheeks getting more and more extreme, as Shepard continued. “The events directly after that after that were very difficult for both of us. Nobody believed that I was working under Council orders to destroy the Collectors, Kaidan was no exception. I misled him and the rest of you because I was told to… I still feel guilty about making him feel so much grief and feeling the angst that I caused. But because of what an amazing man Major Alenko is, we made it through, not just as friends, but as the couple I had always hoped we could be, one day anyway. Of course, he was also a key part of my team that I needed, and together we fought night and day to take out the Reapers, I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done it without him by my side and I wouldn’t want to be sat here today if he didn’t make it out either. He means the world to me, and if that’s a problem to you, that’s not my problem.” Shepard announced that he was done after that answer, Kaidan stood almost immediately and began to lead him out of the room, the press taking pictures and recording stories long after the two men had gotten out of the door. It was tense, but now they had some time. Shepard spent some time talking to Garrus about Tali, with Garrus finally admitting that there was something going on between the two of them, although there was quite the bombshell when Garrus announced that he was moving to Rannoch to ‘help Tali settle in’ but he seemed truly happy by Kaidan’s eyes, and that’s all that mattered. Before long, Garrus took his leave, but before he went he gestured to Kaidan, whispering in his ear, “Take care of him, he’s gonna need you to fit into normal life now.” Kaidan simply nodded, fully aware that Shepard needed him, and he needed Shepard. It was a promise that he’d always look out for Shepard, so long as he still drew breath.

———

Shepard made Kaidan sit so that he could get some things off of his chest as soon as they arrived back at their apartment.

“Listen to me. I need to say all of this because it’s been stuck in my heads for weeks and we haven’t spoken. I can’t… I can’t act like everything is normal until I get this off my chest.” Kaidan just nodded and gave his full attention. “I was given the choices you heard about in the briefing, and… I was selfish. I picked the only option I could think of that would let me see you again. I picked us over everyone that got hurt. The worst part about that is that I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that, when offered the ultimate sacrifice, I didn’t take it. I need you, and I think you need me. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t make decisions that effected you without you there.” Kaidan went to interrupt but Shepard stopped him again. “I’m sorry I sent you back on the Normandy. I’m sorry I couldn’t take you with me… but I’m also glad. If you had of been there, the Illusive Man would have killed both you and Anderson. I would have been utterly compromised in every way. The only thing that kept me going was that I was keeping us safe… So when I heard that the Normandy had crashed, I couldn’t take it. Miranda told me that you knew about… my trying to kill myself. I’ll never ever do that again. I promise.”

“Shepard. Listen to yourself for a second, you’re trying to apologise to a man that’s never going to stop loving you. I had my times of weakness too, okay? Just please, stick with me now. We finally get some peace and quiet.”

Kaidan looked up, and saw what must be a first, Shepard had streams of tears down his face, but when he spoke nobody would have known, “I’m glad. Can we go to bed? I’m tired.” Kaidan nodded and pulled Alexander into a warm embrace, the kind of hug that only people you care the most about can give you, before he carried him to the bed, feeling him fall asleep on his chest.

———

Kaidan awoke to an empty bed and and a sweet smell coming from the small kitchen in the other room. He had overslept, but he didn’t sleep as well as usual because of the awkward angle Alex had been sleeping on him over night, but he didn’t have the heart or the energy to move him. Kaidan groaned as he sat up, and at the same time Alex walked into the bedroom with two big plates of pancakes. He couldn’t help but stare at Shepard’s body in the black mesh tank top that he was wearing. It was all incredibly domestic and it made his smile turn into a goofy, cheesy grin, that Alex mirrored right back at him. The fact that the war was over, that Shepard and Kaidan had nowhere else to be, gave the two soldiers the first chance to really relax together since the emergency retrofit of the Normandy in the middle of Crucible build. 

“Breakfast in bed huh? I haven’t done this in… well, ever.”

“Yup. Shepard’s Specialty Pancakes, I know they’re your favourite so I made them. Our first night together pretty much free of the Alliance and Press hounds. I wanted to say a little thank-you. I… also wanted to show you this…” Shepard placed a datapad on Kaidan’s lap, showing an image of a large country manor house “It’s the Alliance’s thank-you present to me, and… to you. It’s being… renovated for us, but it’ll be finished this evening. We don’t have to live there, but it’s on Vancouver Island, so we’d be very close by. It’s overwhelming I know but..”

“Alex, you’re rambling. This house is massive! We’d need staff just to keep it clean.”

“The house… comes with the staff?”

“This is Hackett, isn’t it?”

“When I told him I wanted to live out of the way, this isn’t what I had in mind. But… I like it. I’ll sell it if you don’t want to live there though.”

“Of course I’ll live there, but I swear Shepard, it better have a pool.”

Alex gave him a nudge and gestured to Kaidan’s pancakes. They were going cold, as Shepard had just found out when he tried a bite of his. As they ate, Alex rambled on with more details, and showed Kaidan the pictures of what the inside will look like when it’s finished. The house itself was built in the late 21st Century, with 10 bedrooms in total, with a large basement to go with it. The decor was all styled in 19th to 20th century furniture, but it was obvious all of the stuff was new. The kitchen was ginormous, and was a sleek granite colour throughout. Kaidan could really see himself settling down there - not that he would have ever been able to afford it. When Alex showed him the picture of the master bedroom, Kaidan’s jaw hit the floor.

“ ** _That’s_** our bedroom? It’s huge. That bed alone could fit four of me!”

“I admit, the bed is a bit overkill, but I’ll be as close as possible every night anyway, so I’m sure you won’t notice.” 

“Okay, okay, I’m sold. We can head to the house tonight if you want to, but I need to ask you to do something for me first.”

“Kaidan, I’d do anything you asked, what is it?”

“Come with me to see my Mom. I haven’t visited her yet… She didn’t know about me, that I like guys and girls. Seeing it all over the news might have given her a shock.”

That just made Shepard’s smile go back to the goofy grin from earlier, and he agreed to go and meet her. They finished up the last of their pancakes before they dressed themselves, Kaidan wearing Shepard’s signature leather jacket as he had done every day since borrowing it.

———

They walked hand in hand down the small paved driveway to Kaidan’s childhood home. Alex couldn’t help but take in the scenery of Vancouver down below them. The view was incredible, and Kaidan sent a knowing smile towards his boyfriend as they reached the small white door at the end of the driveway. Shepard let out a deep breath, making sure that he kept his cool just like he had in front of every ambassador, councillor, warlord, and chieftain on their journey to unite the galaxy. He definitely knew that this was more important. This was the mother of the man who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The woman who brought his favourite person into the world, and kept him there. Shepard knocked on the door, and waited for someone to answer. Behind the door there was a shuffle followed by an eccentric voice.

“I told you salesmen to go away! The Reapers haven’t been gone two seconds before..”

As she opened the door and looked up, she realised her mistake and her face lit up, tears instantly falling from her light brown eyes that looked identical to Kaidan’s. She leaped out of the door into Kaidan’s arms, forcing him to let go of Shepard’s hand; but he didn’t mind. There was something so perfect about the moment that meant he probably would never ever forget it. “Hi Mom.” Kaidan managed, clearly he was feeling the emotions too. 

“Kaidan, I saw on the news that you crashed! I haven’t watched it for weeks… hoping…” she was furiously wiping her tears causing her speech to take breaks “that I wouldn’t have to see that you’d died.” She took a step back and turned her attention to Alex. “Oh my! I’m so sorry. I was all caught up in the moment. You must be Alexander Shepard, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” Shepard shook her outstretched hand.

“The pleasure’s all mine, Mrs Alenko.”

“That’s very polite of you, but please, call me Julie.”

Kaidan coughed “Mom, I need to tell you something, can we go inside?” She nodded back and led them into a lounge where she insisted that they sit, Kaidan cleared his throat again. Shepard could feel tension rising in his gut as he knew Kaidan was about to tell his mother that they were together. It’s not something he’d ever experienced before, all of his past relationships were so meaningless and short lived. Then it came, “Mom, Alexander is my boyfriend.”

Julie Alenko, the saint that she was just sent back a sweet smile, “Oh Kaidan. Please don’t tell me you were fretting about telling me?”

“No Mom… It’s just a big thing for me. We’re moving into a new house tonight on Vancouver Island. It looks like we’ll be staying in the area for a while at least.”

“That’s good to hear, I have missed you so much. Especially now your father is missing…” despite the conversation leading into her husband, Mrs Alenko never once lost her smile. She reminisced about the early days with her husband, how they were the best days of her life and how happy she was to see her ‘little baby’ happy. Shepard didn’t really know how to process all of these interactions. He was an orphan, raised on the streets by the gangs in the eastern megalopolis of North America. He was beaming with pride that this was his new family, and it could only get larger. His mind drifted as Kaidan caught up with his mother, starting with moving into their new… mansion, and ending with him picturing himself and Kaidan giving piggy back rides to their child through the halls of their new home. Julie snapped him out of it when she moved the conversation to Alex instead, he explained where and how he grew up, which earned a very slight, very temporary frown from Mrs Alenko before she went back to smiling, listening attentively. She went into her kitchen and brought out some tea, they fell into idle chitchat that lasted several hours. As soon as Julie turned on the large screen on the wall she was hit with reports of a dramatic relationship revelation at the Press Conference. It made Shepard smile to see Kaidan’s mother being proud of her son no matter what, and it warmed his heart to feel loved by her, even if she hadn’t known him very long. Family and love clearly meant a lot in the Alenko family. After fetching the third cup of tea, the sunset was lighting the sky in a pink and blue light that looked like it had been brought to life from a painting. Kaidan’s mother led them outside to watch the sun go down over the bay. They sat on wooden seats, Shepard wrapping his arm round Kaidan’s waist, letting him rest his head in the soft nook of his shoulder.

Julie’s voice was even more tender than before “Kaidan, sweetie. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you like this… Thank-you both for coming to visit me.”

“I’m sorry it took us so long Mom.”

“Don’t be silly. Right, you boys have a house to get to, I’ve held you here for more than long enough!” She took the empty mugs, and saw the pair out. Kaidan was already halfway up the driveway, when Julie placed her hand on Shepard’s shoulder.

“Take care of my baby boy, Alexander. Thank-you for making him smile, it’s been years since I saw him like this.” she whispered, knowing Kaidan would feel embarrassed if he knew she had been talking about him.

Shepard pulled her into a hug, “I’ll always love and look after him Julie, it’s my job now.But can I ask you a question?”

“Anything…”

“I want to ask Kaidan to marry me, do I have your blessing to do that?”

“Alexander, dear, we might not know an awful lot about each other… but you already make him so happy, you don’t need my blessing to make him even more so.” She pulled away and winked at Alex then, “I’ll see you both soon. Take care.” Julie stood in the doorway, and waved as they climbed in the cab to go home.

———

When they arrived at the house, the reality of everything hit Kaidan with full force. This was his home now, with Shepard, who was his boyfriend; It was all a bit much for one day. Shepard sensed that it was beginning to overwhelm Kaidan, so he grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom. The one request he had during the outfitting of the house was that there would be a decanter of scotch whiskey on the desk. He poured two glasses and handed one to Kaidan, “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m just a little overwhelmed, we finally have some time to breathe and to me, it just seems like there’s a little _**too**_ much air.”

“I meant what I said at the briefing. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I wouldn’t want this if you weren’t here.”

The pair turned on the screen, and watched some ridiculous romantic comedies to try and make Kaidan feel better. It seemed to be working, but that could also have been the whiskey. After they finished the second film Kaidan took Shepard’s glass and placed it on a cabinet beside the bed. Shepard pulled Kaidan into a heated kiss, which ended with them both frantically removing each others clothing. Kaidan admired his boyfriend’s body, still as strong as ever, and with his bruises fading he was beginning to look just like the man he fell in love with, all that time ago. They made love for the first time since their ‘quick drink’ before going after the Illusive Man, with heated and passionate breaths they whispered promises into each others ears that they loved each other. Before they both collapsed onto the mattress, the smell of sweat and whiskey filling the air.

“I’m glad we got to do that again.” uttered Shepard, which caused Kaidan to sleepily curl his arms around Shepard’s waist and hold him close. Shepard placed his arm underneath Kaidan’s neck, letting him use him as a pillow, and pulled a blanket over the both of them. He waited until he could hear his boyfriend’s breaths even out in a slumber, before his kissed his forehead and allowed himself to be claimed by his exhaustion. 


	4. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk of the future causes Hackett and the Alliance to intervene. Kaidan and Alexander have conflicting views on their duty to the galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's angst here but I promise it's short lived.

After the revelations at the press conference, the galaxy was ever more interested in the two human spectres that played the largest role in saving everyone’s skins. The vast majority of it was positive, people pining after their ‘adorable’ relationship; the exceptions to this were top ranking Alliance officials who questioned how innocent it really was when the romance began on one of their ships. Kaidan and Alexander hadn’t done much since moving into their new house nearly a week ago, they spent the majority of the time tweaking the furniture, and Kaidan spent a lot of time gardening. The one unique thing about their new home was that the layout of their entranceway and driveway made it ideal to talk to the press from their front door, which they did on many occasions, since there was a constant swarm of news-people outside their gates. When they relaxed they laid out on the couch and watched the rebuild efforts from the news channels delivered to their lounge, which of course meant that they could entertain themselves listening to the rumours about them too. Today they received some very encouraging news for the Alliance; Admiral Hackett had been promoted to lead the entire Alliance Navy which, even if he had been leading it already, gave him official authority to set the tempo and record of the reporting of the war. His first real act surprised them, because when asked about Kaidan and Alex’s relationship in an interview, he responded with something nobody really expected.

_“Commander Shepard and Major Alenko have lost more than anyone should have to in one lifetime. I’m proud of them for finding time for themselves, and I’m reassured that they found peace in the deadliest war in our history, considering what they went through. They deserve to be happy. But that’s all I’ll say on the matter.”_

Shepard’s jaw was hanging open at the answer. Hackett never commented on personal questions, and it warmed his heart to hear that he actually approved, and that he would go on record to support them when he could. With Hackett aside, Shepard watched the news often enough to know that his entire military history was on show, beginning with Elysium, and working its way through every high profile mission he was ever sent on. It was odd, seeing his own life being played out like this before him, but it was a comfort that the majority of the coverage was defensive of him. The day went on as normal, but gradually a large press swarm gathered around their front gate, which Alex became unable to ignore when he was cutting some vegetables for their supper. “Kaidan, they’re so loud out there. I can’t think. I might have to go and talk to them.”

Kaidan came up behind him and snuggled into him from behind, “Do you want me to come with you?”

Shepard leaned back into Kaidan’s embrace, “I can’t talk about us without you there really, can I?”

He put down the knife, and took Kaidan’s hand in his. As they walked out of the door, the murmurs began to turn into shouts and demanding questions, as they approached the gates the press instinctively turned into a semi-circle, waiting for them to say something. Shepard began with “Seems like you have some questions for us, but you’re gonna have to say they one by one. I might be able to save the galaxy three times over but I can’t cipher out this many voices.”

Of course, the ANN reporters got in first, “When did you two become a thing?”

Shepard answered again, “Define ‘thing’? We became extremely close during our first close-call mission together on Eden Prime way back when Saren was the threat. It kinda grew from there.”

Another question, “How does it feel to finally be able to have some time to yourselves?”

Kaidan responded first to this question, “It’s great, a little too quiet for now but that’ll change soon. We’ve been ridiculously domestic recently it’s almost sickening-”

The chuckle couldn’t be prevented from escaping Shepard’s mouth, “Bored of the quiet life already Kaidan? I can ask for the Normandy back if you want me to…”

“Definitely not bored, I’ve never been happier. Who’s next?”

A Turian news agency asked the next question, obviously relating to military regs, “What do you have to say to the numerous Alliance command personnel, who view your relationship as inappropriate?”

Shepard frowned, “Spectre status brings me some pretty awesome perks, meaning I get to ignore moronic and short-sighted statements from select Alliance personnel that are trying to hide their disgust for two men being together. I’ve seen numerous dips in the regulations by these men and women for straight couples. Some people are even given promotions to avoid problems. I didn’t abuse my position to be with Kaidan, he’s the one that suggested the idea to me.”

A follow up question, “You must be glad that Admiral Steven Hackett stepped to your defence earlier today, in that case.”

“Of course we are. There are three Admirals left alive after the war, and if you ask me, Hackett’s the only one with his head and heart in the correct place. I don’t mean any disrespect to the other Admirals but we have a history of being treated unfairly by them and I can’t seem to find it in myself to put it behind me.”

Kaidan chimed in then, “Hackett’s the one that produces results. If it was really a trouble for Alliance regs that we’re together, he wouldn’t have weighed in.”

The Turian seemed happy with the responses, and now it was the turn of the Citadel correspondents, “Have either of you thought about marriage or children at this stage?”

Kaidan watched Shepard’s face drop into a severe scowl at the question as he growled his reply, “If we were engaged or having children, the press would already know about it.”

It was clear that something had tripped Shepard’s mood, so Kaidan weighed in too, “It’s something we discussed looking way into the future while we were on the Normandy.” Kaidan’s grip on Alex’s hand tightened. “I think it’s probably best to let us get back to you on that one.”

One final question from ANN, Shepard decided it was the last one. “If you had to pick one word to describe each other what would it be?”

“Perfect” It took Shepard a split second to reply, which made Kaidan snort and smile at the floor.

“Gee, perfect is a pretty hard word to beat so, I’ll go with that too.”

The press thanked them and the crowd thinned out some reporters began broadcasting as the pair retreated back into their home. Shepard’s arm was round Kaidan’s shoulder, and Kaidan’s was round Shepard’s waist. Little did they know, the press (including the Turian) were about to spin them as the perfect happy couple, and a sign of hope that as every structure is being rebuilt, people could rely on each other for comfort and safety.

———

That evening, when the pair were slouching in their bed clothes, Kaidan’s mind wandered to the question that Alex had snapped at. He was searching for a reason that he would react in such a flippant and irritated way. Shepard was sat on the floor, allowing Kaidan to play with his hair, he could tell by the way Kaidan was looking out of the windows and not at the screen that he was in deep thought about something. Kaidan began to hum as he fiddled with the soft brown strands of hair, trying desperately to change the subject in his head, but he couldn’t manage it.

“Can we talk about that question the citadel journalist asked?”

Shepard sighed, “You want to know why I snapped?”

“Only if you want to tell me. You don’t have to?”

Shepard contemplated for a moment, “It’s not important, but I’ll tell you.” He lifted himself onto the sofa and pulled Kaidan into his chest. “I’m fine with the press asking personal questions, it’s unavoidable for now. It’s just… I have been thinking about those things a lot, and we haven’t talked about it yet. The question felt like them telling us ‘You need to get married and have kids’, and I haven’t even decided if that’s for me at all.”

Satisfied, Kaidan hummed at the answer, he could see how Shepard would think that after years of being pushed and prodded by reporters, “I think you’d be a great dad.”

“Is that your way of telling me that you want kids Kaidan? One day?”

“Only if you want to. We can’t do things just because I want to.” Kaidan was playing with Shepard’s hands, when Shepard pulled Kaidan’s hands into his chest, and kissed the back of his neck from behind.

“We absolutely can do things just because you want to. I’m here to make you happy! If you want us to raise children together of course I’d love to do that as well.”

“That’d make me really happy. It’s too quiet around this house.”

Shepard’s response was another soft kiss to the soft part of Kaidan’s neck, when Kaidan went back to playing with his hands, he couldn’t help but feel lighter getting that off his chest. Kaidan needed to know that he was there for him just as much as it operated the other way around. After all, it was a relationship that worked both ways. Alexander imagined having children running around the house, jumping in the pool in the back garden, it was idyllic. He was beginning to understand how his boyfriend looked forward to a quiet life after the war so much. He’d never had anything like it, growing up on the streets and joining the Alliance at eighteen, but now he got it. Kaidan had fallen asleep on Shepard’s chest, and since Alexander didn’t have the heart to wake him, he allowed sleep to take him as well.

———

Shepard woke up to the sound of someone buzzing at the gate. Hackett sent a courier requesting their presence at Alliance HQ. He was instantly terrified that it could be a reprimand for the things that he said about the Admirals to the Turian journalist the previous day. He carefully nudged Kaidan awake, and threw him his officer’s uniform. When the pair were in the car, there was no conversation, and Shepard’s gut panic feeling grew into an uncontrollable sickening feeling. He began tapping his feet and drumming his fingers, only stopping when the car came to a stop outside HQ. They were greeted by the same contingent of guards as usual, and walked into the same office as usual, where Hackett stood looking out of the window.

“Shepard, Alenko, thank-you for coming at such short notice. Sit.”

Kaidan was the one to speak first, “Admiral, what is this about?”

“It’s about your positions in the Navy, we need to assess some options together.” Shepard’s sick feeling grew again and he began tapping his foot again, Hackett clearly noticed, because he made a comment. “No need to be nervous Commander, I enjoyed your opinions on the Admirals. It’ll help me encourage them into early retirement.” Hackett passed them an envelope. “Before I continue I’d like to stress that this was forced upon me by practically every political advisor, Admiral, and Council Ambassador that I’m in contact with. Take a deep breath. I’m sure you’re aware that we have no elected representatives, since the Reapers killed them all. We’d like you both to run for election.”

Kaidan threw his envelope on the desk, and crossed his arms with a huff. “It says in my envelope that you want me to become the Prime Minister of the Alliance. We just settled down and you want me to run a galactic empire? No way. Not a chance.”

“It says in Shepard’s envelope that he should become the next Councillor.” Hackett nodded at both of them. “I knew you wouldn’t like it, this isn’t my doing. That’s why the other plan which is my idea, is on the other sheet.”

Shepard read the brief, and swiftly walked out of the room with raised hands leaving his envelope and the other men in the room. No way was he going to accept either of those plans, Kaidan wanted to settle down. They could both just retire and live the life that they deserved together, why was the Alliance insist that they give more? He knew he’d damn near given his life to the galaxy and ‘the greater good’ twice, and he knew that going into politics now put him in just as much danger as it ever did, especially with the Batarians still making a fuss about him slowing down the Reapers. He reached a hallway where there was nothing but screens of every news channel in the Alliance. 

**_‘SHEPARD TO HEAD INTO POLITICS?’_ **

**_‘RUMOURS OF A PROMOTION FOR ‘THE SHEPARDS’ SUPPORTED BY SURVIVORS’_ **

**_‘ALENKO-SHEPARD POLITICAL TAKEOVER?’_ **

After the third headline he became so irate that his biotics flared, and he ripped the screens from the fixings on the walls, and threw them at the wall on the other side. He didn’t have time for games, he didn’t have time for people throwing the life he had earned away. He had a house, a fantastic boyfriend, plans of getting a puppy, and plans of proposing to Kaidan in the very near future. This white noise that Hackett seemed to be broadcasting was too much. Shepard stormed back into the room, pointing an accusatory finger at Hackett. “No. I won’t allow you to promote me to Admiral. Admirals fly with fleets, away from home. I sure as hell won’t be Earth’s next Councillor either, why is it imperative that the Alliance wrecks the one good thing in the world that isn’t a struggle or a chore?”

“Commander-”

“Call me by my name, Steven. Because the only thing you’re going to talk me into is an early retirement.”

“Shepard, I’m not trying to take your home life away. You’d lead the fleet defending Earth. First, it’s under construction, and won’t be finished until the end of this year. Second, you won’t be required on a ship unless we get attacked. Lastly I’ll be frank. I can’t let you retire into obscurity. The people adore you, they look at you and see a leader now.” He then shifted towards Kaidan. “Thanks to Kaidan they also see you two as something to aspire to. You look, sound, and with any luck will be happy. With him at the same rank, you’d fit right into that, you both being Admirals of the Home Fleet. You’d be working in the same job and you’d never have to be apart unless you decided to be. I’m just asking you to consider it. I have the forms here, and I sent a copy to your house but if I don’t receive word within a week I’ll need to have another discussion with you, one that involves a lavish retirement ceremony and lots of political speeches.”

“Alex… let’s just sign the contracts. If it doesn’t work… I guess we can resign.” Kaidan clearly didn’t look impressed by the whole ordeal, he looked tired and bored. Alex supposed that it was better than being as angry as he was, especially when he didn’t often lose his cool like this.

“Kaidan, all I want right now is to marry you, have children, and fade into the background not piss about on some fuc-” Shepard, realising what he had just said, shot a deathly stare at Hackett. “If I regret this I’ll ruin you. Where do I sign?”

———

Kaidan was worried because Shepard was silent the whole way back to their house. He had clammed up as soon as they’d signed the forms and essentially taken over command of every vessel that would make up the bulk of Earth’s protection. To him, it seemed pointless to argue with Hackett like Alexander had done, because the Admiral was right about them being unable to shrink away from responsibility or the public eye. He also acknowledged that, even despite the circumstances, they were really young to be retiring especially considering that they were apparently ‘humanity’s best’, even if that was intense hyperbole. Even if he did want to begin a more civilian life with Alex, he wasn’t ready to leave behind the only thing that gave him a life. “We made the right choice.” He didn’t even realise that the words left his lips until they had, so he offloaded. “The Alliance was the only thing that gave me my life, as an L2 biotic we’re monitored like suspects the Navy was the only way to give me my freedom.”

“I’m a biotic too, Kaidan. I joined the Navy for the same purposes.” Alexander took a deep breath before continuing. “I had a choice really, I was either going to stay on the streets and continue to steal and fraud until I got thrown in jail. I was born and abandoned, so I grew up in a gang that taught me how to be a pickpocket and how to guilt trip rich people into giving me money. I had a choice to stay in that life until I became something worse, or to put myself to use in the Alliance. If I didn’t go into the Navy I’d be dead now, that’s a guarantee. Don’t try and tell me how important the Alliance is.”

“That’s not-”

“Yes it is Kaidan. You’re telling me that the way they shoved us into a new category, a new career, is fine because of what they’ve given us in the past, but it’s not. I’ve given enough, I have given my life… very nearly **_twice_** over. I hoped my **_service_** history was over so that I could just put a ring on your finger and get puppies or kittens or something stupid. I like us, I like me and you together. Why does it have to be ‘Alex, Kaidan, and the Alliance’?”

At that, Kaidan looked at the floor. “You wouldn’t even let me finish.” He stood and walked out of the room. He knew that when Alexander had something stuck in his head that he couldn’t persuade him until he was proven wrong. Kaidan found himself instinctively curled up in a bed in one of the guest bedrooms. It never really occurred to him that he would run away to a room that wasn’t his in a situation like this until Alex stood at the door, looking like someone had punched him in the gut.

“Is that all it takes for you to run away to another room? A petty disagreement?” Kaidan’s only response to the question was a shrug, followed by a mumble that he couldn’t even understand. Something he soon regretted. “Are you fucking joking me? Talk to me. I told you that I wanted to marry you earlier, I might not have meant to let it slip but I did; I thought we were in this for the long haul, which means that you don’t get to run off and shrug at me whenever we disagree over something so trivial as our careers.” 

“You’re being dramatic, and you’re making this about us when really it’s about you. You’re assuming I want the same thing as you.”

“I thought that now we’re here, it wasn’t just about you or me, it was about us. I’ve never made a decision without thinking about you before. Never.”

Kaidan nearly choked over a quip that almost brought up Virmire, but he thanked himself when he managed to make up something generic. “So you never entertained the idea that I might not be ready to retire from the Navy?”

“You can’t get married, have kids, and enjoy a family when you’re protecting the galaxy Kaidan. I would know more than anyone else.” Alex stood at the door frowning at Kaidan. “At it again with the assumptions Alexander.”As soon as Kaidan let Alex’s name slip the door slammed shut, which made him wince; it was the only time he’d ever been mildly scared of Alexander in the entire time that he had known him. But he knew that he had pushed him into this meltdown. Three years ago, Alex would have just walked away without so much as an argument, It made him think how much the war, and the Alliance in general, may have affected him. It made him realise just how much Alex wanted to be with him, and that made him feel infinitely more guilty for starting a fight.


	5. Admirals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short, and I know I've neglected this fic I'm sorry! This chapter is meant as a bridge to the main part of the story. The fic is also going to be considerably longer than originally planned so hey, swings and roundabouts.
> 
> (EDIT: I changed the ending of this chapter because I decided, after long enough deciding, that I didn't want to tell a story of our space husbands running off to save the galaxy again. I couldn't write what I wanted in the direction it was going - so I changed it. I'm sorry. No devastating colony threatening nonsense in this story... at least not yet anyway..)

Kaidan woke up the next morning, and found Alexander curled up next to him. He sighed at himself for being so foolish and childish the night before, awkwardly admitting to himself that he was going to have to apologise. He rolled off of the side of the bed to stretch, peering out of the window to see the staff busying themselves on the garden. It was weird for Kaidan, to have ‘staff’ around his house, opposed to a team of biotic students and a handful of marines to command. He clocked the half-empty bottle of scotch next to Alex, shaking his head and sighing a little more; the thought that their argument had sent Alex reaching for the bottle unsettled him, but it wasn’t an unusual sight. Alexander Shepard had been through one heck of an ordeal. One that Kaidan knew that he would never have survived if the duty had fallen to him instead.

 

He padded through the house alone, opting to use one of the guest bathrooms for a shower so that he didn’t disturb his sleeping Shepard. That, and the shower in the en-suite wasn’t as powerful as the guest one. He stood under the steaming water thinking, his mind racing through the argument and how he could have avoided making everything blow up like a gas leak. Kaidan would never admit that he overthought everything if Shepard hadn’t shown him exactly how much he did it. He turned the heat right up, until the water began to feel like acid burning into his skin, which took the edge off his mood. He stood there for a moment, before shutting off the water altogether. When he opened the door he couldn’t hear anything other than ridiculously loud music. Kaidan recognised the song, but it was an age old song… probably from the late 20th century or something ridiculous like that. 

 

_So listen up 'cause you can't say nothin'_

_You'll shut me down with a push of your button?_

_But yo I'm out and I'm gone_

_I'll tell you now I keep it on and on_

 

He spent a few minutes towel drying his hair and preparing himself for a deep conversation about arguing, but when Kaidan walked into the bedroom he shared with Alexander he found his lover throwing endless amounts of uniforms and clothes into a pile in the middle of the floor. Alex’s head was bobbing along to the next song, even if it was slightly off tempo. Alex just smiled when he noticed that Kaidan was there, just as he threw another forest camouflaged outfit onto the pile. Nearly all of Shepard’s old uniforms and military jumpsuits soon lay on the floor. Kaidan couldn’t even tell why he kept some of them, since a fair few of the knees had awful scuffs and most of the arms were shredded in multiple places. As the another song came on (one that was as equally loud and obnoxious as the first one) Shepard gestured for Kaidan to help him shift the discarded clothes. They threw everything into giant plastic bags, and piled them at the foot of the bed. Meanwhile, Alliance Marines were bringing up plastic wrapped clothes, which was clearly the reason why Shepard was going about this exercise. Kaidan figured that this was the next “gift” from Hackett. After helping the marines dispose of the old uniforms, Kaidan and Alexander flopped onto the sofa together with a huff. Both of them understood their silly argument from the night before, and just opted to ignore it. Shepard looked over to Kaidan, and stroked his face with a whine. The Marines re-entered the house to announce that ‘Admiral Alenko’ would get his wardrobe refit by the end of the day, prompting Alex to grab Kaidan’s hand and drag him up the stairs to repeat the whole process. Of course, Kaidan’s wardrobe was significantly clearer. He only ever wore blue, and he always repaired his own uniforms so he didn’t have the excess that Shepard seemed to have. It only took one bag to empty the wardrobe, but this time Kaidan put it in the attic. He wasn’t quite ready to throw away the uniforms that had lasted him almost his entire military career - one of them lasting the entire time he’d served on the SR1 and SR2. 

 

Once they were finished, Alex turned the music off, giving Kaidan’s head a bit of a rest. Shepard dragged him over to the bed, and into a tight hug. “Feels weird, throwing all of those away. I’ve only got two tactical suits now, and one’s on the new Dreadnought.” Alex started playing with Kaidan’s hair, “I think I prefer the free time I have now, to the SR2.”

 

“Me too…” Kaidan bit his lip not knowing what to say. Last night was still playing on his mind. 

 

“Don’t even _think_ about trying to get me to talk about last night Kaidan.” Shepard lightly tickled the inside of Kaidan’s thigh and kissed him on the neck to show that he was over it, “It's done, and it was stupid anyway.”

 

“I’m sorry anyway.” Kaidan grabbed hold of Alex’s hands to prevent himself from squirming everywhere. He leant into Shepard’s neck and let out the shaky sigh his body wouldn’t let out any earlier.

 

“You apologise too often. I love you more than ever. We’ve got an Admiralty board meeting this afternoon so lets grab some lunch in a couple hours?”

 

Kaidan hummed, he’d let Shepard choose where to go, knowing himself to be the less picky of the two. The pair shuffled up onto the bed properly, letting themselves get comfy. They totally ignored the marines who were now stuffing Kaidan’s half of the wardrobe full of Admiralty colours. Alex didn’t even realise that Kaidan had dozed off until he felt his boyfriend roll over onto his chest. It was the cute things like this that made petty spats like last night's totally irrelevant. Alex knew that he was luckier than practically everyone to be able to do this with Kaidan, but he also knew that he 100% deserved it.

 

———

 

Shepard chose that lunch would be in an inconspicuous diner on a corner near Alliance HQ. The place looked practically untouched from the war, with no obvious signs of repair. Alex had remarked that maybe the Reapers’ secret weakness was actually cooking fat, which resulted in Kaidan shoving him to the side as he tried to walk through the door. Once Shepard had recovered from his date with the doorframe, they sat in a booth on the far side of the room. When the young Waitress recognised them, she tried to keep her cool, but really who could do that when you’re in the presence of the three time saviour of the galaxy, and his sexy biotic sidekick. Especially since they were in Alliance Blacks, the Admirals colours. Alex promised her that it was okay to talk to them, and that really he was just a normal person, but all that really did was make her more nervous. She was probably thinking of all of the things that her and her friends said about him when he saved the galaxy the _first_ time.

 

Kaidan ordered a BLT sandwich and Shepard ordered a grilled cheese. Kaidan winced as the once insanely handsome, honourable Commander Shepard devoured his greasy, cheesy mess like an animal. Shepard knew he looked disgusting, he was partly trying to keep people from approaching him, whilst also trying to ease his nerves with the most disgusting food he could find, and since the fast food chains hadn’t sprung back up yet, this diner would have to do. 

 

Kaidan broke the hungry silence after a few minutes, gently putting down the remainder of his sandwich. “Why do you think we’re even having this meeting? I thought our time off lasted longer than this?”

 

“It does last longer than this - our fleet isn't even built yet.” Shepard grabbed a napkin and scrubbed the grease from his hands. “There has to be an emergency that requires full military attention. Hackett didn’t call this meeting, the Acting Prime Minister did.”

 

“When were you going to tell me that? How come you know so much that I don’t?”

 

“Hackett called me when you were in the shower, it was the only reason I woke up. I didn’t tell you because you distracted me with your adorable sleepy head.”

 

Kaidan screwed his napkin into a ball and threw it at Alex, hitting him right on the nose and then landing in his coffee. Shepard gasped and fished the ball out of his sludge like Americano, before falling into a laughing fit that soon got Kaidan going too. By the time they had composed themselves, they were already running late for the meeting, but if there were two people in the entire Navy that didn’t want to be anywhere near any of the lower Admirals, it was Alexander Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. They took their time strolling to HQ, still chuckling every once in a while at Shepard’s ridiculous gasp. Kaidan was still beaming ear to ear when they walked through the doors, and into the dreary grey maze that was Alliance Navy Headquarters.

 

The energy around the building was nervous, on edge. Shepard could tell that hardly anybody knew why they were checking what was coming out of the Terminus Systems, but whatever it was it couldn't be good: Absolutely **_anything_** out of the edge of the galaxy was bad news. Several soldiers stopped to salute the two of them as they seemed to march through the building, each of them being waved off by Shepard with a smile, he hadn't been given his fleet yet, he wasn’t going to start pulling rank to every single soldier on the planet, especially when he didn't want the job to begin with. As they approached the boardroom, now clearly a makeshift monitoring station, the guards nodded at Shepard and Alenko right before they opened the doors.

Kaidan tried his best to hide his sigh of relief, but Alexander caught it well enough. It had the potential to be a long day at the office, sure, but nowhere near as bad as it could have been. Not compared to what they were used to, anyway.

 

\------

 

“I really don’t give a damn if the Batarians are making a play for control of Omega. It’s not my problem, it’s Aria T’Loak’s problem.” Shepard was losing his temper. Hackett had a habit of being too serious about irrelevant situations, and this was one of them. “What are we supposed to do? Fly our fleet all the way out to the Terminus Systems and help one of them out?”

 

“Shepard’s right, this isn’t our business. If we step in, we risk bringing the Alliance back into a war that we can neither afford, or justify.” Kaidan was obviously on Alexander’s side, but two voices were always better than one.

 

“I understand why you don’t think this matters, but let me explain.” Hackett passed around some datapads, which were obviously old news to the established Admirals. “Aria T’Loak is the only reason that we have enough Element Zero to fix the Mass Relays. She was, and still is, the single biggest trader of minerals in the entire galaxy.” Hackett turned his back on everyone, as was his custom when he was stressed. “We, the Alliance, made a deal with her. Give us the minerals that we need to fix the relays, and we’d supply her with the weapons she needed to defend herself from the next attack on Omega, which would make her able to repel even a Cerberus scale attack.” 

 

Shepard sighed, “This is the attack then. Fantastic.” He threw his datapad on the table. “You know, I thought that for once we’d refrain from making poor choices that could cost us big in the long run.” 

 

“Alex… Aria helped helped the entire galaxy out. The deal was worth it.” Kaidan’s head was in his hands, but he still sounded sure of himself.

 

“You two are domestic admirals, the First Fleet protects the Sol System and you won’t be leaving it if I can help it. But you’re on the Admiralty Board now, arguably the closest thing the Alliance has to a stable and capable government. You need to be aware of what’s happening, especially if there’s fighting involved.” Hackett turned off the displays on the walls and turned the lights on. “You’re all free to leave now. We’re all up to speed. Just keep in mind that we may have to go public with this soon.” Alex and Kaidan remained in the room, even as the two other Admirals shuffled out of the room. Hackett raised his eyebrow at the two of them. “Is there something I can do for you two?”

 

Kaidan lifted his head. “Can we have that life that we worked so hard to have or are we going to be called into HQ every time someone shits on the other side of the galaxy?” The words sounded like he wanted to set fire to the entire room. Shepard’s jaw hit the floor, and before he could find anything to say Kaidan was speaking again. “I know I said I was on board with not running away from the military. I know I wanted to serve still. But please Hackett, I nearly had a heart attack walking into this room, I thought…”

 

“I get your point Alenko.” Hackett shook his head with a slight chuckle. “I honestly totally forgot about it. The fact that you two were so ready to have some peace and quiet… I suppose it comes from watching you be so close while you race across the galaxy trying to save the day.”

 

Shepard shook him out of his shock, and nudged Kaidan with his elbow, “Nice one babe, but I’m not sure I like you playing the bad guy. That was my job.” Kaidan chuckled when Alex tried to wink, only just about managing it. The gesture seemed to melt away some of Hackett’s formal stature.

 

“I meant what I said about you two. I really hope you can be happy now.” He walked to the door. Removing his hat as it opened. “Go home; I’ll come by if there’s any important developments.” 

 

When the door slid shut again, Kaidan leant against his boyfriend with a sigh. “I totally just lost it at Hackett didn’t I?”

 

“Yup. I’m so proud of you.” Neither one could contain their laughter after that.

 


	6. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a bloomin' update can ye believe it? Thanks for your patience. I haven't edited this but I think it's quite sweet. Avoid the *** for the smut.

_Alexander knew exactly what was happening. He’d seen this place before, dozens of times during the Reaper War. It looked exactly the same as before. The silhouettes of trees, the ghosts and whispers of people he used to know. He thought he stopped having dreams like this, ever since Kaidan got back this was the first one. Trying to pinch his arm, or screaming as loud as he could didn’t wake him up, but he knew that already - the only way to wake up was to face his fears. Where was the boy?He wandered aimlessly through the trees before the illusion fell away. The forest became the only place worse than this nightmare. Horizon. He could hear Kaidan speaking, the same words he spat at Alexander that day. He had to block it out… but it was impossible. It felt so real…_

 

_“You're in the presence of a legend, Delan… and a ghost.”_

 

_He tried to speak back, but he couldn’t his throat felt constricted and tight. Nothing he tried wouldwork. He felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air._

 

_“I spent the past two years believing you were dead!”_

 

_Shepard managed to scream, although it came out broken, and desperate. He fell to his knees. This was worse than he remembered it, the one thing he loved in the entire world was attacking him again. He didn’t know what to do with it, and his brain was running circles around his attempts to comprehend and compartmentalise what was happening. The dream had begun to feel real._

 

_“You turned your back on everything we stood for! You betrayed me!”_

 

_There was another voice now. Distant and muffled. Like someone was trying to speak through a pillow. Horizon turned into the facility on Mars, but Kaidan was still there._

 

_“I don’t know what you are? Or who… Not since Cerberus rebuilt you.” The venom is Kaidan’s voice was subtle, but detectable. Alex’s heart sank the same way it did when Kaidan first said it._

 

_He could feel his soul clawing at his skin, desperately trying to escape reliving some of the worst memories of his life. Did Kaidan still think about this? Is he still angry about Cerberus? Why was he having this dream? The other voice was becoming clearer now, the dream world was beginning to become lighter, like the sun was breaking through the clouds._

 

_When he looked back at Kaidan, he was pointing a gun at him. “I’m sorry Shepard. I don’t believe you.”_

 

_He blinked hard, desperate to get out of the dream. He heard the shot._

 

When he opened his eyes, he was in bed. Tears were streaming down his face, his body betraying him and violently shaking. Kaidan was struggling not to cry too. It had all just been a bad dream. The worst dream. 

 

———

 

No matter how much Kaidan tried to talk to Alexander, he wouldn’t respond. Shepard’s eyes were puffy, and dark. They looked dead. He had woken up to Alex’s screams of his name next to him, followed by the shaking, and the clawing at his skin and hair. It was the most violent reaction to adream he’d ever witnessed, and when you’ve been to BAaT that… was not good. Kaidan felt helpless, he couldn’t do anything except wait for Alex to open up. He could feel his own heart tearing apart, he tried to brush Shepard’s hand to reassure him, but the hand whipped away in a flinch. When Alex looked up at Kaidan, he’d begun to cry again, although the trance that he was in seemed to have loosened its grip. 

 

“I'm a wreck." It came out almost like a croak, but Kaidan caught it. He threaded his hands through Alex’s hair, letting him lean into his touch.

 

“I’ll go make tea. It’ll help you calm down.” Kaidan turned to leave the room, but Shepard grabbed his hand with a grip that turned his knuckles white.  
  
“Don’t leave.” Alexander sounded weak. “Don’t leave me again.”

 

Kaidan’s floodgates broke then. Hot, salty tears fell without control. “Alex… What is this all about?”

 

Alexander’s eyes had gone dark again, he'd retreated back inside himself. He was whispering something, but Kaidan’s mind was racing. Alex had flinched away from him, like he was scared of him. He asked him not to leave… _again_. The only reasonable explanation was that the dream was about him. He began to pace around the room before deciding he needed backup, but before he could call anyone, Shepard punched the mattress beneath him.

 

“Horizon… Mars…” Shepard’s whispering was becoming louder. “My head hates me.” His head fell into his hands. “I am Commander Shepard; First Human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel, Hero of the Galaxy. I destroyed the Reaper threat. I ended the war. I saved Earth.” Kaidan didn’t interrupt. “I am **_not_** a child. It was just a dream. I am acting like a **child**.” Kaidan could see how Shepard’s jaw was clenched tight, like a dog gripping onto it’s prey. His gritted teeth spiting the words out, even if they weren’t very loud. It ended with a sigh. Shepard just sighed, and let his shoulders fall, his hands dropping from his face. “I’m sorry.”

 

Kaidan found himself sat next to his lover once again, cradling him as if he’d just woken up. “No… Alex don’t be-“

 

Alexander lifted a finger to the other man’s mouth, hushing him. His touch was gentle, slow, which was the complete opposite of the scene that had just unfolded. “Tea is a great idea. Can you make a flask?”

 

Kaidan slowly nodded, bringing his partner’s hands together, holding them. The kiss that followed was soft, and meant to communicate something he didn’t trust his mouth to say. _I love you. I’m not going anywhere._ He could feel Alex's eyes linger on him as he quietly shut the door, and headed down the hallway and down the stairs. The house was cold, and eerily quiet. Kaidan found himself in deep thought about the last time he noticed one of Alexander’s nightmares. It was the night before the assault on Cerberus. They were frequent back then… The boiling kettle dragged him out of his train of thought. He dragged himself around the kitchen to find a flask, settling on one stamped with “SR-1”, since it made him smile, a reminder of how he and Alexander met. 

 

When he padded upstairs, he found his partner fully dressed, putting on a pair of boots. He could feel his heart thump, as if it were outside of his chest. Shepard finished tying his lace, before looking up. “I need to get out of the house… Will you walk with me?”

 

Kaidan passed Alex the flask, noticing the small twitch of the sides of his lips as he realised which one it was. He threw on the warmest clothes he could find, mostly dark grey sports gear and a black jacket. They left the house hand in hand and walked down the road towards the beach. The path away from their house wound through bushes like a snake, twists and turns around ever bush that would have been too stubborn to remove. The ice cold wind whistling through the blades of grass and pulling the browning leaves from the branches, the rushing and hissing of the coast just barely noticeable over the leaves and the wind. 

 

Shepard took a sip from the flask, before handing it to Kaidan, “That was the first one since you got back.” He sighed, looking defeated. “You know what it’s like in the military. If you talk about this shit, talk about your feelings, you’re not good enough.”

 

“I think you’re allowed to have some crap moments after the service record you have.”

 

Alex snorted. “That doesn’t mean I’m happy being fragile.”

 

“Alex.” Kaidan nudged his partner, and passed back the flask. “Nobody’s ever gonna be okay waking up from nightmares about their lover.”

 

“I suppose you’re right.” 

 

Kaidan grunted in response. They reached the edge of the path down, settling down on a weathered bench, facing the twinkling lights of Vancouver. Each skyscraper glinted in the light from the moon, as most of the glass towers were still dark and damaged. Alex rested his head on his partner, who responded by weaving his arm around the back of his neck. 

 

“Kay, listen to me.” 

 

Kaidan hummed, playing with Alex’s fingers and smiling at the rare use of his pet name.

 

“I love you. So much that I’m terrified you’re suddenly not going to be there. It terrifies me more than the Reapers ever did.”

 

“Alex. You were my Commander and my friend before you became my boyfriend. I know we’ve had our bumps in the road, but I’d never ever abandon you. Not like I did before…” Kaidan’s grip on Alexander’s hand tightened. “I still feel awful about my stubborn ass causing problems in the middle of the most dangerous times of our lives. I should have been there.” He threaded his other hand through his partner’s soft hair, that was nestled near his jaw. “That’s all over now, you know that right? We have the rest of our lives in front of us, and I want to spend every second with you.”

 

Shepard turned his head and left a soft kiss on the bottom of Kaidan’s jaw, they were both smiling like morons. They sat there in relative silence, other than the odd sigh, or passing comment about the sea or the stars being beautiful. Shepard gave the near-empty flask back to Kaidan, who finished the now lukewarm tea that was left. Just as he felt his eyelids drooping, Kaidan noticed the soft snoring of the man sat next to him. Trying his best not to wake him, Kaidan found the flask lid in Shepard’s pocket, and fastened it to its place before putting it back in his lover’s jacket pocket. He carefully placed Alex’s arms around his neck, before gently lifting his lover into his arms. The walk back up the path was slow for Kaidan, but the smile on Alex's face as he rested it on his shoulder made it worth it.

 

———

 

Alex woke up on the sofa, wrapped up burrito style in some blankets. He rubbed his eyes and tried his best to stretch out. When he looked at the clock, he threw the blankets off, scrambling to get up. “Shit.” He shook off the head rush as he jumped to his feet, raising his voice into the house. “Kay, are you up?”

 

“Come upstairs! I’m in the study!” 

 

Alex sleepily padded up the stairs, and into the study, where Kaidan sat tapping at a screen, with nothing except his pyjama bottoms on. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

 

Kaidan couldn’t help his smirk, “I didn’t have the heart to wake you up when you fell asleep on the bench, what makes you think I’d wake you up when I **_don’t_** have to carry you up a hill.” 

 

“Point taken.” Alex walked over to where Kaidan was sat, resting his hands on his shoulders, gently massaging circles. He got his own chance to smirk when his lover moaned under his breath at the gesture. “What are you up to?”

 

“Nothing much. Just checking out what’s happening with the crew. They’re all so busy, I almost feel lazy.”

 

Alex snorted, working harder at a particular knot that he found in Kaidan’s upper back. “I thought we wanted lazy, I quite like the sound of lazy today.”

 

“That's easy for you to say… you’ve been asleep all day. It’s late afternoon!” He stretched out in a yawn. “Besides, I was just about to run a bath.”

 

Shepard took his hands away from Kaidan’s back, and turned him around to face him. He placed a slow, sensual kiss on his lover’s lower lip. “A bath huh? Sounds like the perfect way to wake up.”

 

Kaidan felt frustration rise in his chest, he could never handle it when Alex teased him. “In that case… One warm bubble bath. Coming right up.”

 

***

 

Kaidan got up to run the bath, coming back into the room a couple of minutes later to get Alex. The pair didn’t make it to the bathroom though. he pushed Alexander through the door to their bedroom instead, tearing at his clothes and throwing them to the far side of the room. After all, Kaidan convinced himself that it was okay to rip Alex’s clothes off, considering that it was his fault that he wanted to. Shepard had already melted into his boyfriend, letting himself be moved by Kaidan’s every move as if he was made of putty. Kaidan was nipping at his lover’s neck, pushing him down, flat onto his back. When Alex tried to put his hands around Kaidan's neck, the other man grabbed the hands and held them above Shepard’s head on the mattress. He wasn’t fucking around this time. Alexander bit Kaidan’s bottom lip as he felt Kaidan’s dick brush against his own. The euphoria and adrenaline of it all made both of their minds go numb, Alexander finding himself face down into the mattress with his hands held behind his back, moaning and swearing as his lover slammed into him again and again. Kaidan’s panting was beginning to hitch, which usually meant that he was close; and Alexander had already made a mess on the sheets beneath him. When Kaidan hands flew from holding Alex’s arms behind him, to Alex’s hips, he let himself lean back as he felt himself tip over the edge. They stayed on the bed for a while, waiting for their breath to return to normal, when Kaidan lifted Alex into his arms once again, taking him to the bathroom, and lowering him gently into the bath.


	7. Correspondence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard receives an old letter, Kaidan decides to have fun with the new domestic life of thiers, and Shepard reflects on old (and some new) scars.

To Kaidan, there was hardly anything better than the feeling of the Vancouver air on his face as he went for a morning jog. His leg still pulled every time his foot hit the road, likely to never be the same after the Battle for Earth, but it served as a poignant reminder of what he’d been through to get here. He had his ear-pods in, content to let himself get lost in his workout, but even on this route there was only a couple of opportunities where his new home wasn’t in view, and he never could stop himself from smiling a little when the house took his eye. Being so far away from everyone else was isolating at times, even though they were less than 10 minutes away from the city centre if they took the car. The one thing he couldn’t criticise their isolated house for was the routes he could use to run. Jogging was Kaidan’s way of letting go. The last few weeks of his life had been listening to briefings from Hackett about the fleet that he and Alex were about to take command of, meaning his mind had been swimming with formations, which ship did what, who was in command of each ship… it had begun to be a little bit of a joke. He and Alex agreed to hire a small army of staff to maintain intelligence on their lead ship, which would be a brand new class of ship to the Alliance; A spanking new ‘Continent-Class Super-Dreadnought”, named ‘Antarctica’, would be the largest, and heaviest ship ever built by any Council species. The details of the entire briefing had made Kaidan feel woozy, so naturally, he took up jogging again as a way to blow off some steam. The only time he ever got the chance to get his heart-rate up like running was when he and Alex were having sex, and as great as that was, it wasn’t a sustainable source of exercise. He smirked at the thought. He was on his final stretch coming around the corner before the gates to the house, it was always the bit where he slowed down and just stared up at the building that he now called home. He thought about how someday, he could walk in the front door to the sound of a busy household, with a family he could just smile at. The press that had once hounded them for any millisecond of their time had finally moved on. The Normandy crew and their stories came from a different source. Joker and Liara made sure that they kept the stories safe enough to prevent any issues with the Alliance Navy’s NCIS, but juicy enough to keep the press, and the world, gasping for more. Kaidan’s quick thought of victory against the press was short-lived however, because when he walked through the front door of his home, he was greeted by Alex sat against the edge the couch, staring at the wall.

“It’s a letter K.” Alex picked up the paper that lay on the table, not even turning to look at Kaidan as he kicked off his training shoes. It was uncommon enough for correspondence to be dictated onto letter in this age, it was usually reserved for the most private of matters. That was what worried him, and he was right to feel that way. When Kaidan took the paper into his hands, Alexander’s arm fell, hitting his knee with some force. “It’s from Ashley’s family. Kaidan her family wrote to me… Before the invasion.” Shepard looked like he’d seen a ghost. It was like someone had transported him back to the day that they lost Ash on Virmire, his despondence was all too memorable to Kaidan.

Kaidan skimmed the letter, it was lovely. It relayed the times where Ash had described Shepard as an inspiration, even talking about Ashley’s admission to her sister that she considered Alex and Kaidan friends. But Kaidan knew that there had to be more. Alex was never this quiet, and it was starting to creep Kaidan out, “Why didn’t this get delivered to the Normandy when we were on shore leave?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t want me any more distracted than I already was…” Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s hand, pulling him close enough to bury his own face in Kaidan’s arms. “I want to reply to them, but I don’t know how.”

Kaidan pulled Alex to his feet, quickly kissing him before he spoke, “Why don’t we write a reply together then? We can do it in the office, considering we’ve got nothing else to do today. I’d like to say some things to Ashley’s family also.”

When Alex nodded, Kaidan pulled him up. They shared another short kiss before Alex pulled him closer, into a strong embrace. Shepard mumbled his thanks to his partner, before they dragged each other up the stairs to write their letter. The hardest part for them was how to begin the letter, but once they’d settled on that, they just let themselves write everything they felt that they needed to. It flowed away pretty easily, but they both agreed that the more intimate details of their collective friendship was best left unsaid. Writing this letter reminded them why they fell in love with each other in the first place, it reminded them how even the most trying, most emotional circumstances, are mountains that they can conquer together. After more a few hours of editing, the letter was finished, which they decided would be sent back by paper as well. They figured they owed Ashley that much. When Kaidan kissed the top of Alex’s head, letting him know that he was going to fix them some food, Shepard read the letter through again. Just in case he’d missed anything.

—————

_The Williams Family._

_I’d first like to thank you all for your letter. I’d have to admit that we were somewhat surprised to receive it so long after it was written, but I’m so glad that I got the chance to read it. I hope you don’t mind but I shared the letter with my parter, Kaidan, who was also a very close friend of Ashley’s, even in the short time she served on board the Normandy. We’re humbled that she found us both important enough to mention to her family, and we’d like to honour that by telling you how we remember her._

_I’m sure you know that Ashley joined us directly after the first attack on Eden Prime. She proved herself to be a talented soldier, with a temperament that neither of us could fault. She watched our backs as much as humanly possible, and she did a stellar job of boosting morale across the whole ship. Ash was the glue that actually ensured that me and Kaidan ended up together. It was her tenacity that made sure we told each other how we felt, and we’re going to be eternally grateful for that._

_Above all, Ashley was a talented and capable addition to our crew, our family. I only wish that she had been able to be a part of it for longer, we miss her an awful lot. It’s something that we will never forget, that without Ashley, neither of us would be alive today - nor would anyone - if it was not for her. She was a hero, and should be remembered as such. You all have my sympathies, and if there’s anything that any of you need, you can ask any time._

_Yours,_

_Adm. Alexander Shepard,_

_Adm. Kaidan Alenko._

—————

Alex sent the finished letter to Alliance HQ, instructing them to send the letter on paper, to every living member of Ashley’s immediate family, allowing him to slump backwards into the chair with a slight smile once it was done. He knew that this would never make up for his inability, his failure, on Virmire that day; He also knew that they’d understand, and hoped that telling them how loved Ash was would give them some kind of support. Kaidan eventually emerged through the door, holding two plates containing some of his famous steak sandwiches. He was still wearing his running gear, not really having any time to change, and now that his mind was at ease Alex let his eyes linger over Kaidan’s arms. Kaidan was well aware that his partner was oggling him, but when he smirked, Alex’s eyes drifted up to his face.

Shepard sighed, “I can’t believe how domestic we’ve become.” He took one of the plates, and took a gigantic bite out of his sandwich, moaning into the taste. “It seems like so long ago that we were on the Normandy, running across the galaxy.”

Kaidan chucked, “Don’t talk with your mouth full Shepard, it’s disgusting”, which earned him a fantastic view of Shepard’s half chewed bite of sandwich, “Gross.”

“Do you miss it?” Alex was playing with his hands, which is how Kaidan knew that he was deep in thought.

He hummed, before responding. “I miss being an active soldier, sure.”

“I don’t.” Shepard’s response was short, “I’ve never known anything else, but I’m glad that it’s pretty much over.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure how to process that response. Alexander was an N7 soldier, the best of the best - and he’d achieved that whilst being a biotic. He’d endured to become the hero of Elysium, and after that he defeated Saren and Sovereign, with virtually no help except from a handful of people who became his team. He’d endured every single military test possible, and now he was an Admiral, and his life was different. Kaidan didn’t know an awful lot about Shepard’s background, he knew that he was born on Earth, and that he virtually grew up in a gang before cleaning his act up in the military. It didn’t make sense to Kaidan that Shepard’s entire life was the military and, now he was content to leave it all behind, like the whole thing had been one big bad nightmare.

“You look lost, K.” Shepard had polished off the rest of his sandwich, so he placed his empty plate on the desk, “I loved being a soldier. It gave me a purpose, something to live for. But I don’t need to have a gun in my hand to have a purpose anymore. I just closed one more chapter of my life, the biggest chapter so far, but it’s over nonetheless.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but let his mouth twitch upwards, “I think I get it.” It earned a smile back from Alex, before his eyes moved back to the screen where he began to tap away again. Collecting the plates, Kaidan padded out of the room, quickly washing the plates and placing them back in the rack where they belonged. He knew what Alexander was talking about when he said that they were domestic. They lived like a couple that had been married for more than a decade, minus the kids and the pets… and of course being **_actually_** married. It wasn’t the first time that Kaidan had thought of it, asking Alex to marry him. He’d wager that they’d been through more together than any other couple on Earth right now, and it felt right in his mind. He also knew he couldn’t just ask Shepard to marry him on a whim, partly because Alex deserved better, and also because Liara and Tali would find out and would probably kill him. There had to be some kind of occasion that he could take advantage of, to ask properly, in front of everyone. After pacing around the kitchen island, he found himself staring at the calendar that was hung up on the wall. In a few months it was his birthday, and just after that it was Alex’s, their ‘anniversary’ wasn’t for a while yet - if you could even call it a real anniversary. He decided to settle on a date between his and Alexander’s birthdays, which would be their first whist they were not soldiers for more than two decades. He was going to have to make sure that they would be free, but it would be a great first social use of the ridiculously large house, and he could probably get away with having something going on in the garden too.

It was then that he realised that since moving into their new house, and waiting for their fleet to form so that they could take command, wasn’t what Kaidan wanted to live like for the rest of his life. He was in his mid-30s. He wanted kids, neighbours, dinners with his mother, dinners with the people Shepard considered family, all of those things. Planning this party was the first time since they moved into the house that he felt like his life was on play, and not pause. It really excited him. The possibilities were endless, and the look on Shepard’s face would be totally worth it.

—————

The best thing about the gigantic house that Hackett gave them, was the basement. Alex spent a lot of time in the evenings down in the basement gym, doing his best to keep in shape now that he was no longer eating the protein-rich rations on the Normandy, and actually having to go back to real food. When he first entered Alliance training, his commanding officer teased him relentlessly for obsessing over his body, incessantly jibing that focussing on ‘cosmetics’ would slow him down in his military career - and probably a sign of some ‘unresolved insecurities’. He didn’t know where that CO was right now, but Shepard figured that he wasn’t an N7, and that he probably wasn’t an Admiral either. Looking good was a hobby that he’d not been able to afford ever since the first day that he was transferred onto the Normandy. Maybe there was some truth about what the training officer said, but there was no way that Commander Shepard could get a gut. That was just asking for public ridicule. Besides, now that he had his own gym, he could work out without his shirt on and safe himself some washing too.

  
On the Normandy it had kind of become a competition between him, Kaidan, and James to see who was the strongest, or who had the best endurance. Kaidan had only joined in to kick James’ ass in an arm wrestle after he tried to claim that he could beat him ‘any day of the week’ - to this day, Kaidan had never lost to James. Shepard chuckled when he remembered all of the times he and his boyfriend had been locked into an intense arm wrestle, only for them both to give up because it became a little **_too_** intense, to prevent the heat from their chest rising into _anything else_. He never spent the time that he used to in the gym, despite being slightly obsessed about his image. Part of the reason was that he didn’t need to impress anyone anymore, he had Kaidan, who’d probably stay with him even if he got out of shape. He still needed to **_perform_** though, he needed his stamina for the logistical nightmare that would be his new job. He was also in a relationship with possibly the most insatiable man in the universe, and Kaidan was very, very demanding in bed - he couldn’t embarrass himself in front of the man he loved so much, could he? He placed the weights that he was using back on the rack, before stretching out in front of the mirror. That’s when he realised that Kaidan was standing in the staircase doorway. “Hey handsome. Come here often?”

He nearly missed the soft, low laugh that was the only response he got out of Kaidan. He probably wouldn’t have noticed anything if his boyfriend hadn’t started to slink over as soon as he had been noticed. Shepard sighed into the mirror, running his fingers over the long scar that ran from the top of his chest, down to the top of his abdominals, which were looking **_amazing_** even if he said so himself. The longer Alex stared at his torso and his arms, the more he saw the damage that the past 3 years had done to him. He’d probably have less than half of the scars if he’d just let Dr Chakwas patch every single one, but he didn’t like to be a pain. He also had good reason to stay out of that ship at first… awkward oogling at a soldier under your command was generally frowned upon. Kaidan read his mind like always, gently running his thumb over the deepest scars, before pulling himself into Alex’s back.

Shepard let himself chuckle, awkwardly palming at Kaidan’s hair, “Would you look at that… my boyfriend is being needy again.”

“I’m always needy, you’re used to it by now.”

“Very true.”

Kaidan hummed into Alex’s spine, before pulling away, “I’m planning party, so don’t book yourself the weekend before your birthday.”

Shepard turned, pulling Kaidan back into his chest, “Oh? I thought you hated parties because you can’t have all of my attention?”

“That was before we became all homey and wholesome,” Kaidan could hear the smile on his own voice, “Besides, you’re the one that can’t keep your hands off of me.”

“Well, you were the one staring at me from the doorway.”

“To be honest, I was looking at these.” Kaidan ran his thumb where the scratches on Shepard’s back were, making him twitch. “This is what happens when you insist on topping.”

Alex snorted, “Kaidan, you _always_ top.” When Kaidan raised his eyebrow he snorted again, “Don’t get me wrong, I prefer to bottom… but maybe I like it when I feel your nails digging into my back.”

“You’re insatiable.”

“I was just thinking the same about you.”

There was a brief moment when they stood there, looking at each other, daring themselves to be the one to make the first move. In the end, Kaidan pushed Shepard slowly against the wall until the gap between them was mere centimetres. The next to move was Alex, but only in a whisper which said, “Kaidan, take off your clothes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I *really* wanted to write some smutty shit, but the letter being in this chapter kinda made it inappropriate. Sorry this took so long, next up is the PARTY!


End file.
